Why did the dolphin blush?
Because it saw the ocean’s bottom!
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
"Runner's logic: I'm tired. Let me go for a run."
Unknown
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”
I like playing chess with old people in the park, but it gets hard to find 32 of them each time.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Everybody romaine calm.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
Paddy like a rockstar.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
You’re sleigh-in’ it.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Love's a feeling you feel when you feel
you're going to feel the feeling you've never felt before.
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
I had a jaw-dropping experience.
Sadly, it was radium poisoning.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What do we call a deer that wears a mask and refuses to tell its name?
“Anony – moose.”
Go to BabaMail
