Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
Girl you are rocking this run.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
Q. What's on display at the Canadian Moose Museum?
A. Mod deer 'n art.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
Tis the sea-sun.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
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