My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
Do you wear contacts?! (she says no...) Because your eyes are just so beautiful!
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
"I’m Nobody! Who are you?"
I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?
Then there’s a pair of us!
Don’t tell! they’d advertise – you know!
How dreary – to be – Somebody!
How public – like a Frog –
To tell one’s name – the livelong June –
To an admiring Bog!
– Emily Dickinson
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
Asked my boy to put the kettle on.
He said, "I don't think it'll fit me"
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
Digging trenches during the middle ages was seen as a great honor because it showed someone's shovelry!
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Don’t make such a Dreyfus about it.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
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