“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
“Anybody who tells you money can’t buy happiness never had any.” —Samuel L. Jackson
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
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