Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
I don’t want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
It's a-boat time for a holiday!
If I kissed you on one cheek, would you turn the other?
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
What do you say you poke-check me real quick?
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What kind of computer does a worm have? A Macintosh.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Why didn't the cell phone wear his glasses? He lost his contacts.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
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