You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
The favorite colors of fishes are deep blue and aquamarine blue.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
Where do ghosts go trick or treating? Dead ends.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
The sun is just a big space heater.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
What was the skeleton doing at the hockey game?
Driving the zam-boney.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
I have only two weaknesses resisting chocolate and resisting you.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
Why was it hard for police to catch the tree bandit? He had them stumped.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
When the librarian bumped her head, she had no one to blame but her shelf.
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
"I may be an outlaw, darling. But you're the one stealing my heart."
- Brad Pitt, Thelma, and Louise (1991)
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