Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
What cartoon do horses like to watch?
Whinny the Pooh.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I need an Imodium because I can’t hold in my love for you.
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.
Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
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