The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
I know Benjamin Franklin.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
The paddy don’t start till I walk in.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Hey baby, you got any diseases? Want some?
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
"You call it a pandemonium. We call it a family vacation."
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul
A pessimistic pest exists amidst us.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Man: Do you work at the Bakery, cause you have a nice set of buns.
Woman: Do you work at a Grocery store? Then why are you checking me out?
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?”
He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there.”
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Ice simply love it when it snows!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
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