While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you’re supposed to share your hotness with me.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
"I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it."
― Mary Wortley Montagu
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Why are frogs good at baseball?
Because they catch a lot of fly balls.
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
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