What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
When you look really closely...
all mirrors look like eyeballs.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
The calm before the score
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
What is the favorite Mexican food of snowman?
Brrrr – itos.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
It's almost Summer! Time to find out what my friends with swimming pools have been up to since last summer...
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Only a**holes use bidets.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I have successfully managed to synthesize a protein that makes two people fall in love. Do you want to try it?
We’re calling your number.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell!
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
Rebel without a Claus.
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