Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
I had the best ice pun to tell you…
Problem is, it slipped my mind.
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Why couldn’t the angle get a loan?
His parents wouldn’t Cosine.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What food did the Gorilla order when he went to France?
Ape Suzettes.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
Did you know Def Leppard's drummer makes the best Thanksgiving guest?
He only ever needs one drumstick.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
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