What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?
A furricane
I can turn your software into hardware.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
I recently got offered a job studying fog but I turned it down.
Looking back, I now think it was a mist opportunity.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you're hungry again."
— George Miller
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
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