People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
I couldn't stop laughing when my father warned my brother, saying, "If you hack my Microsoft Office, I will find you, you have my Word".
You are the HCl to my NaOH. With our sweet love, we could make an ocean together.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
Are you alone? Nice to meet you, me too.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
Don't fork-get your manners.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
Why won't prison life be much different from playing for the Bills? OJ will still have big guys opening holes for him.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
It’s your birthday, there is no cure,
Cakes and candles, you must endure,
Quick and painless, let me assure,
A tiny chance, you will be mature,
With this crowd, usually secure,
Random fun, with results obscure,
Liquids we drink, definitely pure,
Goofy friends, minds we tour,
Hilarious birthday, that’s for sure.
(Martin Dejnicki)
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
Water you doing on [date]?
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
Airlines have nowadays become so cash strapped that they charge you for everything including emotional baggage.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
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