What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
I’ve got my ion you, baby.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
I'm papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven't a clue.
For the pattern's all wrong,
Or the paper's too long,
And I'm stuck to the toilet with glue.
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
Wow, you drive me Davi
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
Dublin over in laughter.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Baby, are you a lane rope? Because I want to lay on you all day long.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Owl always love you.
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
Are you WiFi?
Because I can feel the connection between us.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
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