My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Why did the thief steal a pig? Because he was a hamburglar.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Bob Hope
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so were you... but now the roses are wilted the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
"Eggs love you."
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
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