Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
Darling, I never want you to leaf me.
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
You’re as beautiful as a flower, but I think I rose to the challenge.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
What do you call a mouse that doesn't eat, drink, or even walk? A computer mouse.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
Why are ducks bad drivers?
Their windshields are qwacked.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
That was thaw-some!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
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