I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
I don’t trust grey things.
They are very shady.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Beauty is only pig skin deep
The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Were you born in 1789? Because you’re a real classical beauty
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned from hiking, it’s that the early bird gets the face full of spider webs.”
A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.
Go to BabaMail
