“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
You sleigh me.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Are you my homework? Because I’m not doing you, even though I should.
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Water you doing, my friend?
“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
You must be a choir director, because you make my heart sing!
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
I love your energy.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
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