Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
You: It's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section. Because you could melt all this stuff.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
Q. What is another name for elk diarrhea?
A. Chocolate Moose.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
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