Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
You have a pizza my heart.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
What do you call someone who specializes in growing plants used in witches’ brews?
A hag-riculturist!
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Hide in the kitchen, hide in the hall. I will catch you.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Wear green, or leaf.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
Long time no sea.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
“Yoga instructor just emailed to say class is moved and thanks for our flexibility.” – Unknown
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
What do you call a weather man that destroys dinosaurs?
A meteorologist
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
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