"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
When do zombies go to sleep?
When they are dead tired.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
As one black bug, bled blue, black blood. The other black bug bled blue.
What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!
There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
He was going to sleep in a bucket of ice.
But then he got cold feet.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
You are aged to perfection.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
A pretty lady wasn't on my shopping list but I can be spontaneous.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
Know what? I dig you, really!
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz
“Sign for a beginner’s yoga class: Enquire Within.” – Unknown
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
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