What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
I don't bite you know - unless it's called for.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What is a red heads favorite drink?
Ginger Ale.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
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