The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...

Girl, you give me the butterflies.

Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.

I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.

During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.

Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.

How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.

Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.

What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.

What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?

Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.

What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"

I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.

The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.

I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff

They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician

My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.

My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey

Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!

“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”

- Eddie Izzard.

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.

What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.

If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

Roses are red

And you gotta go

Because I found out

That you is a ho.

The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.

"Bugs and hisses."

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.

What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.

Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.

What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!

The guy who invented Systane had his funeral today.
There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.

What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!

If I had a dollar for every time I was suspicious ...
I'd wonder why I got so much water.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.

What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown

The artist thought she was all that and pen some.

Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.

What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.

From one vegan to another – I think you’re fern-tastic, and I’ll never leaf you baby.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.