A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Books are my kind of texts.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got FINE written all over you.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
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