What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma

"Bone to be wild."

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.

This event is sure to be out of bounds.

How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.

“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!

What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.

Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!

“Some mornings I wake up grouchy. Other mornings I just let him sleep.”—Unknown

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

“Don’t wear perfume in the garden – unless you want to be pollinated by bees.”
— Anne Raver

What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.

Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.

“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson

Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.

Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!

“Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”
Josh Billings

My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!

If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?

Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.

“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman

What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.

Have you noticed that most wolf parties begin at around midnight? Well, it is not by coincidence, it is so that they can have a howling good time.

Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

Why don’t kangaroos make good sailors?
Because they’re always jumping ship.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”

What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.

Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.

Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!

"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah

How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.