I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
My Ex Girlfriend stole my Hummus.
I told that chick, peace
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
What's the difference between marriage and a Journey song? A Journey song has a climax.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
A woman bought a rooster, wanting to hear it crow.
However, it turns out the rooster was mute, so she was out of cluck.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What does a English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning? "Excuse Me... ahem... To be or not to be roasted, that is the question!"
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
Let’s list the froze and cons.
Are you a durian? Because you're a total snack, but you smell like rotting flesh.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
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