It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What's Hitler's favorite video game?
Mein Kraft.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Aloha is a soft laugh.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Owl always love you.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
You're one in a melon.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
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