There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
I want to be a drop of your blood, so I could travel your body and sleep in your heart.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
I always have a souper time with you.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
How do you let a deer know you like her?
You fawn over her.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
The hiker hated the top of the mountain because it was all downhill from there!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
"My cat doesn't like you."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
A rare black tiger is spotted in India
Everywhere else it has stripes.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
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