My dad refused to accept that he was not hiking in a mountain called Mt. McKinley
He was in Denali.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Damn girl, I must be reading a book because you are FINE print.
Why was the broken air conditioner already sad?
Because it couldn’t vent it’s problems.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Had a great weekend. Won the annual weather forecaster's championships!
I beat the raining champion.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
“The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.”
Mark Twain
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.
“If inflation continues to soar, you’re going to have to work like a dog just to live like one." ~George Gobel
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
You should go back to my house and make it hot. It was so cold at night.
Hey Audrey, Audreyly like to take you out
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
What type of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
I'm at my best during overtime.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
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