There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!

Why is it a bad idea to get in a fight with a monkey?
Because they use gorilla warfare.

Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.

I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.

I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending

Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?

Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.

I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.

Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.

What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.

What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.

Aloha is a soft laugh.

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?

From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.

What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.

“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”

– Neil Hilborn

What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.

If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.

What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!

How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”

Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.

Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.

Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.

The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"

What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack

How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.

Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!

You’re unbeleafable.

Do you get a hint of almond in this Keemun? No? That’s odd because I’m nuts about you.

“The poor have more children, but the rich have more relatives.” – Unknown

Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.

For his birthday, the snowman wants a cake with lots of icing on it.

You’re my #1 pick.

What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke

Can I be one of the men in your box?

Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.

Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.