Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
I would love to show you first class.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
I like your tight end
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.
Q: Why did the little clouds idolize the big cloud?
A: Because he was the raining champion.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
What’s the one way you should never greet a male pig? “Sow, what’s up?”
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
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