Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
I feel tail great!
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call an eye that can fly?
A real eye soar.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
"It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack."
― Germany Kent
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.” — Yogi Berra
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
Girl, you and me are like loaves and fishes. Together we might be a miracle.
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
“People are still willing to do an honest day’s work. The problem is they want a week’s pay for it.” – Joey Adams
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
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