"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
I love you a tot!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
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