I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do bulls do when they go shopping? They CHARGE!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
Limericks I cannot compose,
With noxious smells in my nose.
But this one was easy,
I only felt queasy,
Because I was sniffing my toes.
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Did you hear about the constipated crocodile?
It was a crockashit.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
How Rudolf you to say that!
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
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