Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
You are photon quanta to my valence electron because you excite me to a higher energy level.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Your angles must be less than 90 degrees because I think that you are so acute.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
Everything about you is perfect except one thing, you aren't married to me.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
I'd like to eat breakfast with you.
Can I invite you to dinner?
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Are you Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for.
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Burst into cheers!
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
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