With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
My friend’s bakery burned down last night.
Now his business is toast.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can Of Worms!
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
You set my heart bonfire.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
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