Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.

"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "

Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.

My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.

I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.

What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.

What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum

I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.

Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"

What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air

Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.

“People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage." ~Doug Larson

I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!

What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.

"A good marriage is where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal." - Anonymous

If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.

Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

Seas the day!

What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

Are you the British museum?
‘Cuz you stole my (he)art

What happened when the guitars got in a fight?
They got in treble.

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.

How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.

"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."

Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.

There's snow place like the mountains in winter.

What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!

Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.

I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.

What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman

What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!

What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.

Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising

Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.

Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.

If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.

When the History teachers wanted to help out students who were failing the subject privately, they put up a poster on the school bulletin boards that said, "Need Tudoring?"

Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...