Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
I never get tide down to one place when there's so much to sea.
“Sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.”
— Harvey Specter
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
"No sun."
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
I eat eel while you peel eel
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
Enough exposition. Let’s move this to the development section
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
Girl, you should not have covered your beautiful eyes behind those Versace sunglasses.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what does an onion do? Keeps everyone away.
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