You are so hot, you must be what is causing Global Warming.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.
Don't even chai.
"This graveyard's gotten way too popular," said the zombie to the vampire.
"People are dying to get in."
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Have you heard about some bones on the moon? Looks like the cow couldn’t make it after all.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!
You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!
You give them all,
You're taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!
They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you're alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!
Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!
Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!
(Fiazio)
Do you need some encourage-mint?
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Hey babe, wanna make a zygote?
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My friend was telling me about how a shark attacked her while she was diving
I told her, that bites.
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
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