"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Snow on and snow forth.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Sorry for cutting you in line, I was hoping you believe in love at first sight.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
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