You're hotter than the London Underground during rush hour.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Why did the potato run across the road?
So it wouldn’t get mashed.
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
“At the end of a rainbow, there’s a pot of gold. But when the weekend comes to an end, there’s only a Monday.”
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
Betty Botter bought some butter but, said she, the butter’s bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter.
But a bit of better butter will make my bitter batter better.
So she bought some better butter, better than the bitter butter,
put it in her bitter batter, made her bitter batter better.
So ‘t was better Betty Botter bought some better butter.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
I think you might be a star, because I can't stop orbiting around you.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Let me give you another reason to feel thankful this year. 😏
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Come with me, let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
That was thaw-some!
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Can you tell your tendy to look the other way while I slip one?
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
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