Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
I think you are just A-Cora-able
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Honey, are you a drummer? Because you can make my heart skip a beat.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
“Monday should be optional.”
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
Beach you to it.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
When we met, it was love at frost sight.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
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