I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning?
His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
Irish you luck.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
"Private! I didn't see you at camouflage practice today!"
"Thank you sir!"
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
Made a whole bunch of dad jokes at Thanksgiving dinner...
I pulled out all the Pops!
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Girl give me a chance and I will show you a world of our own where spell of love began and our hearts become one
If you were even half as gorgeous as me, I'd consider sleeping with you.
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
Jay Leno
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
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