What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
Car puns are really tiring
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
“My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.”
Jimmy Carter
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Snow on and snow forth.
I get a real kick out of you.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Hey baby, do you have some bug spray? Because I have butterflies in my tummy.
Keep calm and leprech-on.
"Back that glass up."
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
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