Here comes the sun of my life
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Cows will never make the police force because they simply refuse to go on steak-outs.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
The ocean made me salty.
I went to a cafe for breakfast the other day and ordered eggs.
The woman behind the counter asked me, "How would you like your eggs cooked."
I said, "Does it affect the price?"
"No, not at all." she replied.
I said, "In that case I'd like them cooked with bacon, sausage and tomato please."
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What is a cat lover's favourite tree?
A juni-purr.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
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