Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
I have a heart-on for you.
For years, my brother wanted to be an archeologist...
But ten years in, his career lies in ruins.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
“Is this the Spanish word for ‘nap’?” She asked, pointing to a word on the page.
“Si, está.”
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Over the years, my neighbour has buried his deceased pets in his backyard, and to his surprise, a plant has sprung up.
It's a Cemer Tree.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
“Vacation is that time when you wish you had something to do while doing nothing.”
–Frank Tyger
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
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