I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
Date a soccer player. We can go for 90 minutes and know 11 different positions.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
"At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom."
— George Carlin
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
So, are you the kinda guy to Lu-kiss and tell?
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Why do gnomes laugh when they play football?
Because the grass tickles their armpits.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
All I want is to fill that vacuum in your heart.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
Seal.
What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
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