Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising

The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.

How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!

Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.

Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.

How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!

Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.

Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."

If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!

What happened when Turbo lost his shell? He began to feel sluggish.

You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.

Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.

What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.

Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,

It seems he was a bit of a smarty;

The last day of October,

He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.

Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.

How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.

I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!

I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.

A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.

With long legs like yours, you don't need high heels.

How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!

What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.

My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!

How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.

Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous

Hey I love your shoes, they would look even better if they were running alongside me.

I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.

Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!

“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett

“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”

- Louise Bates Ames.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.

What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

Daughter: Did you get a hair cut?
Dad: No sweetheart I got em all cut.

I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.

Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.

What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.

Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.

Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!