"You're the wine that I want."
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
How do you impregnate a submarine?
Fill it with seamen.
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
“You are as helpful as a blister on a hike.”
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Are you Broca’s aphasia? Because you leave me speechless…
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
A man walks into a library to get a book on suicide.
The librarian says “Do you have a library card?” The man says “no” and leaves.
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
Roses are red
violets are blue.
You may not know this but
I’m falling for you.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
“Parents must get across the idea that “I love you always, but sometimes I do not love your behavior.”—Amy Vanderbilt
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
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