I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Ghosts are terrible liars because you can see right through them.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
Why wouldn’t the Moon come to the Sun’s funeral?
It isn’t a mourning person
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...
During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
How do ghouls sign off a letter?
Best witches and worm regards.
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
As it snow happens.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
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