What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
You're such a TEAse.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Salty but sweet.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ears
Ears who?
Ears another knock knock jokes for you!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Why didnt the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
You're as hot as a desert summer.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano? You can't tuna fish.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
You must be the iceberg from Titanic and I'm the ship because tonight we're gonna smash.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Do you know why Uranium is my favorite element on the periodic table of elements? That’s because I love U!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
A strawberry usually needs batteries when it runs out of juice.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
She has high elf-esteem.
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