What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
How do you call stage diving at Oktoberfest?
Krautsurfing.
Your earrings are the mirrors which reflect the moonlight into your eyes.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
Did you hear about the goblin that got his left arm and left leg cut off?
Well don't worry, he's all right now.
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
I want you to know I’m here for you no matter what, Alice. Tell me anything and Alice-en
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
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