Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Do you play the guitar? Because you can touch strings of my heart
“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”- Franklin Jones.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Have you ever had a dream about a bear eating you?
I call them bite-mares.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What are the best kind of flowers to get your girlfriend after screwing up?
Whoopsie Daisies
Your clothes would look better accelerating towards the floor at 9.8 m/s.
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
"Lazy bones."
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
“Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.”
— Punit Ghadge
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
You look pretty cool, I hope you don’t lead me Jack to square one
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
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