The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
It will be a habitual action for me to offer you a simple present.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
I read dead people.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
How did Poseidon greet the sea monster?
- Hey buddy, what's kraken?
I said to her, are going to eat that whole plate of spaghetti??
She said: no, it's in pasta bowl
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
If there's a bee in my hand, then what's in my eye?
Beauty.
Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
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