What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy

We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!

Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.

What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."

There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.

What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”

It's always a first class trip with me.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.

How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.

My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

A blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.

"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe

"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.

"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar

What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.

It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.

Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.

The cawllarborne of the skinny crow was so pronounced.

What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.

I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?

What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!

What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.

I want to stretch with you.

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.

My lobster's name is:
Claude

What does an owl need after having a bath?
A t-owl.

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.

Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.

The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"

I'm Havana dream about you.

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler

He’s my pinch charming.

How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance!!