Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
Football is one habit I will never kick
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
What did the upright bass say to the nervous guitar?
“You’re too high strung, don’t fret.”
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
"Okay, we’re all like 90% happy and 10% sunburnt."
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
That was thaw-some!
What do bats say to those they dislike? Good riddance to bat rubbish!
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
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