Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
"Sip happens."
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay
The peach couple is in love. They seem to be born for peach other.
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Have you seen the gators on skateboards, they are great alli-skaters.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Why was the cow so scared?
Because he was a cow-ard.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
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