what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
You have one compact set.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
What’s worse than one crocodile coming to dinner?
Two crocodiles coming to dinner.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
What Christmas carol do they sing in the desert? O' Camel ye faithful.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
This is snow laughing matter!
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
“There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Cantaloupe!
Cantaloupe who?
Cantaloupe to Vegas, our parents would get mad.
Sip, sip, horray!
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