A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.

A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

“Every time you feel yourself being pulled into other people’s drama, repeat these word: Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
Polish Proverb

I forgot to pay my colonoscopy bill.
Now I’m in arrears.

“Me to my students every day: Close your eyes. If you can still see me, it could be a sign that your eyes are still open.” – Unknown

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.

What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.

The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.

Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"

I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.

Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.

Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.

What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.

"Something Went Wrong in Our Family Tree"

Something went wrong in our family tree
When I look at you, cousin, it's plain to see.
You've got big ears like a chimpanzee,
But I guess that backfires 'cause it's the same with me.

Your two front teeth remind me of a rabbit,
You should stop munching carrots; it's become a habit.
If I want one, I have to move quick and grab it.
Come to think of it, your teeth look like mine, dag-nabbit!

Now your eyes look just a little bit screwy,
Guess you must have inherited them from Grandpa Louie.
But my eyes are kind of cock-eyed and just a bit droopy,
So I guess we've got that in common too, oh poopie!

I think my critique of your appearance is done.
Since we look so much alike, it's no longer any fun.
I've got one last thing to say in front of everyone,
Gosh, you're a good lookin' son-of-a-gun!

– Kelly Roper

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore

Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.

You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.

“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?

My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.

He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.

Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?

Because April showers bring Mayflowers!

I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.

How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore

I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.