“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”

- Jodi Picoult.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Is that the sun coming up... or is that just you lighting up my world?

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.

You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!

The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".

What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead

Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.

I've fallen in love- I don't know why
I've fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She's charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you'd expect from a girl who's monocular.

Of eyes - at the moment - she hasn't full quota
But that doesn't change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you're bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she's made up her mind. She's made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She'll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she'll see me in church.

I'll marry my true love who's gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(By Andrew Jefferson)

What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve

“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson

What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.

Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.

You elevate checking out to a mystical event worthy only of gods and champions.

What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.

What does a mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra, naturally.

My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.

I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.

Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.

Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.

The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.

There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.

I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.

How Rudolf you to say that!

Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.

"Check, mate."

"Checkmate."

"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"

What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.

Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!

Knock Knock!

Who is there?

Ears.

Ears who?

Ears one more beaver joke for you.

If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.

What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.

The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!

I woke up in the middle of the night and found all the blankets on my bed were missing.
I was scared sheetless.

“If you like people who do stupid sh#t all the time, become a parent." – Kelly Oxford

What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.

What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!

How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.

What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.

How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.

What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water

Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?

What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.