“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
What do you call a kangaroo sanctuary?
A kazoo.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
If you use the church's WiFi, are you receiving God's signal? -- Anonymous
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Water you doing?
"You round me out." — High Card Band
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Why are spiders such great volleyball players? Because they have an amazing topspin.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
Why did the pig get fired? Insu-boar-dination.
Biology - It grows on you.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
I always have a ball with you.
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