I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can't make him sink.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eyes, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
Go to BabaMail
