Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
More candles means a bigger wish!
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein
Why was the roman soldier kicked out of the army? Because he was roamin around during war.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What do you call an angry kangaroo?
Hopping mad.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
I think I found my perfect match
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
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