You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
What do you call a Jamaican man born in Italy?
Reggae-Toni.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
Your treat or mine?
What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
I asked the librarian for the new book on erectile dysfunction.
She typed on her keyboard and said "It's not coming up!"
I said "Yeah, that's the one!!"
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
How many cookies could a good cook cook If a good cook could cook cookies? A good cook could cook as much cookies as a good cook who could cook cookies.
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
When it’s raining, a turtle goes to a shell-ter.
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