Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Is this the transfiguration?
Because you are glowing.
You've stolen a pizza my heart.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
“Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.”
- Douglas Adams.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Is that a fugue I can hear? Because we’re about to get entangled
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
I bet your muffled screams are as cute as u.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
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