Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
I’ll be there in a pinch.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
I'm no organ donor, but I'd be happy to give you my heart.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
You leave me Wonton more.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
If we're going to make love later, you should probably be there.
Forget about Spider man, Batman, or Superman. I’ll be your man.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
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