What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
I think my heart just lagged.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
What do you get if you cross a gnome and a tauren?
A mini-taur.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What do you call a group of orcas that play music?
An iPod.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
What’s big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
A spider called a tech support office.
He needed help connecting to the web.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What is the only American State that has ever been married?
Mrs. Ippi.
Girl you are rocking this run.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
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