I loaf you.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditions it.
I don’t know about you, but I think helicopter rescue pilots have the best pick-up lines.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Where are werewolf movies made?
Howl-lywood.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
You look good on your yoga mat.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I actually prefer that life give me lemons so that I can make a pretty lady like you some lemonade on a hot Summer's day.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
“There is no worse parent than an unhappy parent!”
― Rossana Condoleo
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