Get in the swim this summer.
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Alligators can live up to 100 years…
Which is why there’s a chance that they will see you later.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
“Summer vacation: where you drink triple, see double and act single.”
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Hide and Speak!
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Synonym rolls: just like grammar used to make.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
The pint’s the limit.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
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