What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Why did the baby strawberry cry? Because his parents were in a jam!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
We've reached the point of snow return.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away?
Now wait just a doggone minute.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
If you make a mistake of playing basketball with pigs, they will hog the ball.
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
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