The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Want to ge together sometime and make Double Trouble?
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
"Say you'll be wine."
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