"If your doctor's last name is Google, it's time to get a second opinion…" - Toni Bernhard, J.D.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Turtles that commit crime are sent to the shell-block.
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
In on the ground flora.
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
I’m elf-taught.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
You sweep me off my feet!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Go to BabaMail
