The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
“I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.”
- Jim Gaffigan.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
How does a Pegasus ask her boyfriend to propose?
She says “You’ve got to put a wing on it.”
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
I love you a tot!
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
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