Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What's a prisoners favorite building materials? Steal n cement.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
So … do you run here often?
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
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