I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
"Sometimes you just need to lie on the couch and read for a couple of years."
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
“Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” – Benjamin Franklin
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back."
- Chelsea Peretti
I’m feelin’ green.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Say it ain’t snow.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man.
What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
We’re a perfect mash.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children."
~ Alan Alda
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
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