Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
How does a baby beetle get around?
In a buggy.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
"The politicians say 'we' can't afford a tax cut. Maybe we can't afford the politicians."
— Steve Forbes
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why will you not want to give a bath to the Saturn? It would then leave a ring around the tub.
What do you call a group of lions partying on ships in Gibraltar?
A strait pride parade.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Have you ever seen a guy eat an entire can of pinto beans in under 10 seconds? Would you like to?
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What do you get if you cross a new born snake with a basketball?
A bouncing baby boa.
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
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