Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Read a story about two people who stole cars driving into each other.
Must have been Bonnie and Collide
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”
Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
There was a fisherman named Fisher
who fished for some fish in a fissure.
Till a fish with a grin,
pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
"You can't beat me."
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
How does a Spanish dog say Merry Christmas?
Feliz navi-dog.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
Are you wi-fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
“When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘D***, that was fun.'”
— Groucho Marx
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
Your presents is requested.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
My moment in the sun.
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
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