More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Nice asteroids.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
"The difference between death and taxes is death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
- Will Rogers
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet? A UF-hoe.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I would be holding a galaxy.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
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