I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.” — Woody Allen
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
“I am responsible for what I say but I’m not responsible for what you understand.”
Anonymous
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: (Groan)
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
I beacha miss summer already!
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
“There’s no “we” in ice cream.”
― Unknown
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
Rodney Dangerfield
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
When I see you, I feel like I am going to reach my melting point.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
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