Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
Why do seals have trouble eating bread?
Because they're seal-iacs.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Eddie edited it.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says, keep away from children." – Susan Savannah
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
"Looking fifty is great—if you’re sixty." - Joan Rivers
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