It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
"I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet." - Rita Rudner
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror!
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What milk comes from Spain?
Soy Milk.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
You'll never be as well dressed as I, but I'm willing to give you second place.
What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Two racquets started dating. Unfortunately, one was stringing the other along without any intention of tying the knot.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
What does a vampire do after taking a shower?
It stands on a bat mat.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
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