Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
I like long runs on the beach.
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Not only did I have a good time at Taco Bell
I had a Baja Blast
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.
Til death do us part and then some, dear.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Where does a neuron keep its money?
In a brain bank.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
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