What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
I think I found my perfect match
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
There’s a new movie out called “The Truck.” I’ve seen the trailer, it looks great.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Want.
Want who?
Want, who ... three, four, five!
I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
You mermake me happy.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
What a is ghoul’s favorite pet?
Ghoulfish!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day, he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
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