What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.

You know what they say... Big Feet.

The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.

What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.

"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer

Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.

"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt

What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.

What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right.

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth

Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.

When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:

This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.

The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.

I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.

I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.

That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.

I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.

(By Richard Thomas)

“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley

Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.

Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.

My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!

Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.

“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.

My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.

Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.

What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.

“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”

- Percy French.

What is a defensive football players favorite dessert?
Apple Turnover.

If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.

The vampires were in a mood, so I thought I'd do something to cheer them up. They were over the moon that I re-vamped their castle.

Any proof that Saturn married more than once? Well, he do has a lot of rings.

Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.

We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".

How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.

Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.

A sunburned murder of crows is referred to as 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree.

Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.

You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.

A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"

It takes one to snow one.

Are you a dog? Because I'd like to throw you a bone.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.