Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
You are just like my car because you drive me crazy.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
A star athlete in Koalaville got kicked off the Olympic team for cheating. Unfortunately, he was diskoalafied.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
What did the zoologist and the herbalist name their child? Tiger Woods.
What do you call fifty-five gnomes in the mouth of a kraken?
A good start.
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
We all know that the New England Patriots have their soup in the Super Bowl.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Nowadays, people drought the accuracy of weather men because the climatic patterns are so unpredictable.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
We have great chemis-tree.
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