How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
"You had me at merlot."
“My fashion philosophy is if you’re not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.”
- Elayne Boosler.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
When I asked my History teacher if he knew about Einstein's origin and history, he said, "I am relatively aware of it."
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I'd have a cow pie in my eye.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
Football players get cheerleaders, but hockey players bring them home.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
It’s party thyme.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Hey, mind if I take you out to dinner sometime? I don’t wanna go Nico-less
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
The snuggle is real.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
What’s an alligator’s favorite dip?
Croc-amole.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
The stage is the most hygienic place in the world. Every time we turn on the lights they get a wash.
I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in the water.
If it sinks, it’s a girl. If it floats, it’s a buoyant.
Whatever floats your goat.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
Go to BabaMail
