What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Did you know you look good in short pants?
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"
Rudder valve reversals
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
You’re more special than relativity.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Why these days, the Moon is up till so late? Don’t worry, it is just going through a phase.
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
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