Lava is red and tsunamis are blue. If I had to choose a case study, I’d choose you.
In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away
(Anonymous)
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
Q. Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Cafe?
A. Chocolate Moose.
An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
General: "Fire at will!"
Soldier: "Which one's Will?"
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
"I make pour decisions."
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William
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