My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
It's lunchtime and the newcomer at my workplace is on a plane to India
Turns out, someone told him that the nearby Delhi has the best sandwiches
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
"Love thy neighbor, just watch out for thy husband." - Unknown
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Roses are red, my face is too, this only happens when I cycle with you.
The unluckiest berry in the group is the one that drew the short straw-berry.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
“Marriage is work. Marriage is a career. It's not an adventure, you do more before five than most folks do all day.”— Sinbad
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
What did the woman say when she escaped Dracula’s clutches?
- Better luck necks time!
I knew a guy who gave away his art but he only seemed to paint ducks with incomplete faces.
I asked about it once and he said "I like to bill them later."
Dad: Where do desert nomads buy their camels?
Son: I dunno. Where?
Dad: at Camelot.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
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