People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
I used to work at a cutlery store, but I quit
No more Mr. Knife guy.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
How to cars convince you?
By telling you that ‘you Audi-believe it.’
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Girls just wanna have sun!
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Baby, you're a firework.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What is a deer’s favorite after-school snack?
“Doe-nuts.”
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
I'm no photographer but I can picture us together.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What game do bats like to play with birds?
Bat-mington.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
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