If you want to vacation in Italy, don't be afraid to Rome around.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What happened to the wooden car with wooden wheels and wooden engine? it wooden go!
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
You’re what I’m most thankful for this year.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Bro, are you a submarine?
Because you're so gnar.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.
He fits the bill.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
“Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches.”
Unknown
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ireland!
Ireland who?
Ireland you money, if you promise to pay me back.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
Do you like hot foods
If so, you definitely are what you eat.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
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