What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.

I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.

What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”

My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.

Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.

What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.

I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain

Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

What is a car’s favourite sport?

Soc-car.

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.

Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?

I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.

Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.

What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!

"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead

At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.

What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.

What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.

We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

“I'm not napping this is savasana.”

- Berndt Vogel

I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.

What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!

R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.

Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.

I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.

What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin

I always get cuts and bruises because every single day, minute and second i keep on falling in love with you.

Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

As a flower cannot blossom without sunshine, I cannot survive without your love.

I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.

My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!

"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"

- Jim Gaffigan.

"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain

What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.

My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.

How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.

Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.