When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
“A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
I'm pretty sure I was blind before I met you.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
Did you know a nose cannot be 12 inches long?
Otherwise it’d be a foot!
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
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