Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
Now and (Jay)den I like to make the first move
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
My pet seal was getting a bit old and wrinkly
...so I bought a seal iron
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
"Lazy bones."
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I want you more than I want world peace.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
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